Why Does Money Feel Like a Measure of Whether I'm Doing Well in Life?

3 Sept

Written By Meera Jiven

Money can be one of the most uncomfortable ways we measure ourselves.

Not simply because of how much we have, but because of what we think it says about us.

By your 30s, you might have imagined you'd feel more financially secure than you do.

Perhaps you thought you'd own a home by now.

Have savings.

Earn a certain salary.

Be further ahead in your career.

Be able to afford holidays without worrying.

Or simply feel like you had your life together.

Instead, you might find yourself comparing your financial situation with the people around you and quietly wondering:

“Am I doing okay?”

The difficult part is that the answer can start to feel less about whether you're actually managing and more about whether your life looks successful from the outside.

You can earn a reasonable income and still feel behind.

You can have a good career and still feel financially insecure.

You can be proud of what you've achieved while simultaneously feeling embarrassed about what you haven't.

And sometimes, money becomes about much more than money.

When Money Starts to Mean Something About You

Money is practical.

It pays for somewhere to live, food, bills, transport and the things we need to function.

But it can also become emotional.

We can unconsciously attach meaning to our financial circumstances.

A higher salary can feel like evidence that we're successful.

Owning a home can feel like evidence that we're settled.

Having savings can feel like evidence that we're responsible.

Being financially independent can feel like evidence that we're doing adulthood correctly.

And struggling financially can therefore feel like the opposite.

You might begin thinking:

“I'm not where I should be.”

“Everyone else seems to be doing better than me.”

“I should have more savings by now.”

“I've worked this hard. Why don't I have more to show for it?”

The numbers in your bank account can start to feel like a judgement on your entire life.

The Invisible Timeline of Adulthood

Many of us grow up with an idea of how adulthood is supposed to unfold.

Get an education.

Start a career.

Earn more as you get older.

Buy a home.

Build savings.

Get married.

Have children.

Become financially comfortable.

The problem is that these milestones are increasingly difficult to achieve on the timelines previous generations may have experienced.

Housing costs, living expenses, changing employment patterns and wider economic pressures can all affect what financial independence looks like.

Recent UK data has also highlighted significant financial pressure among working-age adults, with rising living costs continuing to affect people's sense of financial security.

But even when we understand this intellectually, comparison can still be powerful.

You might know that circumstances have changed.

You might know that your friend bought their house at a completely different time.

You might know that social media doesn't show the whole picture.

And yet you can still feel like you're falling behind.

“But I Earn More Than I Used To”

One of the strange things about earning more money is that it doesn't necessarily make you feel more secure.

You might receive a promotion and immediately adjust your expectations.

The extra money disappears into increased rent, childcare, bills, commuting costs or simply the rising cost of everyday life.

What once felt like a good salary can gradually become the amount you feel you need to earn just to maintain your current lifestyle.

This can create a moving goalpost.

You reach one financial milestone and immediately create another.

£30,000 isn't enough.

Then £40,000.

Then £50,000.

Then you compare yourself with people earning more.

The number changes, but the underlying feeling remains:

“I'm not quite there yet.”

The Comparison Trap

Money is particularly difficult to compare because we rarely know the full story.

You might see a friend buying a house but not know about their family support.

You might see someone travelling frequently without knowing their debts.

You might see someone's expensive car without knowing their financial priorities.

You might see a successful career without seeing the stress that comes with it.

We compare our private financial reality with other people's visible outcomes.

And because money can feel deeply personal, these comparisons can quickly become comparisons of worth.

"They're doing better than me."

"They're more successful."

"I've fallen behind."

But financial circumstances are influenced by far more than effort.

Opportunity, family circumstances, housing markets, health, geography, education, relationships and sheer luck can all play a role.

Your financial position is not a pure measurement of how hard you've worked.

When Financial Pressure Becomes Shame

Money problems can be difficult to talk about because they can carry shame.

You might feel embarrassed that you don't have savings.

Ashamed that you're still renting.

Uncomfortable admitting that you can't afford something.

Or guilty that you earn more than your parents ever did but still don't feel financially comfortable.

Sometimes we hide these feelings because we assume everyone else has figured it out.

But many people are quietly having the same conversations with themselves.

They just aren't necessarily talking about them.

Financial pressure can affect mental wellbeing, relationships and our sense of security. Money and mental health can also become caught in a cycle, where financial difficulties increase stress and anxiety, which can in turn make it harder to feel in control of financial decisions.

When Spending Becomes a Moral Judgement

Money can also affect how we feel about the things we spend it on.

You might buy something you enjoy and immediately feel guilty.

"I shouldn't have spent that."

"I should have saved it."

"That was irresponsible."

Perhaps you've become so focused on being financially responsible that spending money on yourself feels wrong.

Or perhaps you swing between restricting yourself and then spending impulsively because you've been depriving yourself for so long.

Neither extreme necessarily creates a healthy relationship with money.

Being financially responsible doesn't mean you're never allowed to enjoy what you've earned.

And enjoying your money doesn't automatically mean you're irresponsible.

The Pressure to Keep Up

There can be a particular pressure in your 30s to demonstrate that you're progressing.

Your home.

Your holidays.

Your car.

Your clothes.

Your career.

Your children's activities.

Your lifestyle.

Sometimes these things become subtle signals of how well you think you're doing.

And social media can make this even more complicated.

We see carefully presented versions of other people's lives and absorb the message that everyone else is progressing.

Someone is renovating their kitchen.

Someone is travelling again.

Someone has bought their first home.

Someone has started a business.

Someone is celebrating a promotion.

And you are sitting at home worrying about whether you can afford the boiler repair.

It's very easy to conclude:

“Everyone else is moving forward.”

But we don't get to see everyone's private reality.

When Your Self-Worth Becomes Tied to Your Salary

There is nothing wrong with being proud of your career.

Work can provide meaning, purpose, identity and financial independence.

But if your salary becomes the main evidence you use to decide whether you're successful, your self-worth can become vulnerable to circumstances outside your control.

What happens if you lose your job?

What happens if you need to take a lower-paying role?

What happens if you change careers?

What happens if you take time away from work to care for someone?

Does that mean you're suddenly less capable?

Less successful?

Less valuable?

Of course not.

But if money has become closely connected to identity, those changes can feel like a personal failure rather than a change in circumstances.

When You Feel Guilty for Wanting More

There can also be another side to this.

Perhaps you're doing relatively well financially, but you still want more.

And you feel guilty about it.

You might think:

"I should be grateful."

"Other people have it much harder."

"I shouldn't complain."

Gratitude and dissatisfaction can coexist.

You can appreciate what you have and still want greater financial security.

You can recognise your privileges while acknowledging that something is stressful.

You don't need to convince yourself that you're struggling enough to deserve support.

What Does “Doing Well” Actually Mean to You?

This may be one of the most useful questions to ask.

Not:

“Am I doing as well as everyone else?”

But:

“What does doing well actually mean to me?”

Perhaps it means having enough money to feel secure.

Perhaps it means working fewer hours.

Maybe it means being able to spend time with your children.

Perhaps you want a bigger home.

Maybe you don't care about owning property but want the freedom to travel.

Perhaps success means leaving a job that makes you miserable.

There isn't one definition.

The difficulty is that we can spend years pursuing someone else's version of success without stopping to ask whether we actually want it.

The Difference Between Financial Goals and Financial Worth

Having financial goals can be healthy.

You might want to save for a house.

Pay off debt.

Build an emergency fund.

Increase your income.

Plan for retirement.

Those goals can give you direction.

But there is an important distinction between:

“I want to improve my financial situation.”

and:

“I need to improve my financial situation before I can feel good enough.”

The first is a goal.

The second puts your self-worth on hold.

And if you're always waiting for the next financial milestone before allowing yourself to feel successful, there may never be a point where you feel like you've arrived.

When Money Becomes a Source of Anxiety

Sometimes financial worry can become constant.

You check your bank account repeatedly.

Avoid opening bills.

Feel anxious before spending anything.

Calculate what you can afford over and over.

Or find yourself thinking about money when you're supposed to be relaxing.

Financial planning can be useful.

But constant financial rumination doesn't necessarily create greater security.

Sometimes it simply keeps your nervous system in a state of anticipation.

There is a difference between being financially aware and being consumed by financial anxiety.

Learning to Separate Circumstances From Identity

Your financial situation can change.

Your salary can change.

The housing market can change.

Your expenses can change.

Your priorities can change.

None of those things fundamentally determine your worth as a person.

You can be financially successful and unhappy.

You can be financially stretched and still be proud of your life.

You can be earning less than you expected at 30 and still be building something meaningful.

You can be further ahead financially than your friends and still feel insecure.

Money matters.

But it doesn't tell the whole story.

What If You're Not Behind?

Perhaps one of the most difficult things to accept is that there may not be a universal timeline you're failing to keep up with.

Your life has been shaped by circumstances that are unique to you.

Maybe you spent years studying.

Maybe you changed careers.

Maybe you supported your family.

Maybe you experienced a relationship breakdown.

Maybe you became a parent.

Maybe you've had to start again.

Maybe you simply chose a different path.

Your financial situation is a snapshot of where you are.

It isn't a final verdict on where you're going.

How Therapy Can Help

Money can be difficult to talk about in therapy because it often connects to deeper feelings about security, success, identity, family and self-worth.

Perhaps you feel like you're failing despite objectively doing well.

Maybe you're constantly comparing yourself with your peers.

You might feel ashamed about your financial situation.

Perhaps your relationship with money has been shaped by how you grew up.

Or you may be struggling with the pressure to achieve a particular version of adulthood.

Therapy can provide a space to explore what money represents for you beyond the numbers.

What did you learn about money growing up?

What does financial success mean to you?

When did you start believing you were behind?

What are you trying to prove through your career or income?

And what would change if your financial situation stopped being the main way you measured your progress?

You don't have to stop caring about money.